Burn baby burn

As I was checking my email yesterday, I saw the little blurb on the AOL Welcome screen encouraging me to “Join the march to stop global warming!” Naturally I was intrigued – how did the Million Maniac March intend to stop something that doesn’t exist? So of course I clicked the link.

I was immediately sucked into the Stopglobalwarming.org site. It took me about ten minutes to compose myself after reading their mission statement (“global warming is a national security problem” ... do we fear an attack by gassy Middle East cows?) Then I realized – this is a virtual march. It’s not even real! Although I suppose it makes sense if you’re supporting a cause that isn’t real either.

I had to find out more. You don’t have to join the march to read their message, but I figured I would be privy to a bit more information if I did. Not wanting my own name or email associated with this lib nonsense, I set up a Gmail account under my cat’s name (Perry.T.Felis@gmail.com … feel free to drop him a line) and then signed Perry up for the march. He’s going to pee on my bed when he finds out.

The homepage describes the virtual “visits” to be made across the country, “raising awareness” about global warming. The “march” will culminate in Washington, DC on Earth Day 2006 to urge President Bush to “initiate a real (anyone else see the irony in that?) plan of action to address global warming”. Fortunately for the President, he won’t have to rearrange his schedule to greet them, since no one will really be there.

Today’s “stop” on the “march” is Glacier National Park in Montana. Our virtual visit includes three blurry black and white photos of mountains and some bleeding heart rhetoric about melting glaciers. What they fail to mention is that its summer. Glaciers melt in the summer. If you can tear yourself away from the heartbreaking sight of drooping glaciers and review the facts from the National Climatic data center, you’ll learn that the average summer temperatures in Western Montana haven’t increased in the last century.

Moving to the “About the March” page, the mission statement declares “With the support of leading scientists, political and religious leaders …” Now if we’re going to talk about global warming, the only opinions I’m interested in are those of scientists. I’ll go to Reverend William Sinkford for information about God; global warming is outside his repertoire. But they don’t name any of these leading scientists. Nor is there any reference to the Harvard University study that found the earth was actually warmer during the Middle Ages than it is today. Further on is a lead-in about the upcoming visit to Kentucky to see the production of Toyota’s new hybrid Camry. Ironically, a second headline on AOL’s Welcome screen that same day reported hybrid cars can actually be more detrimental to the environment.

The Featured Marcher’s List reads like Who’s Who in Left Wing Antics: Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., Al Gore (yeah, the same Al Gore who allowed strip mining on his family farm), Hillary Clinton, Al Franken and Leonardo DiCaprio. Oh, there are some Republicans on the list also: John McCain and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Notice I said “Republicans” though, not “conservatives”.

If you really want to show your support for the movement, you can purchase a Stop Global Warming bracelet made from recycled scrap leather. Nothing says commitment to a cause like recycled scrap leather. Guess what all my friends are getting for Christmas?

As a result of signing on to the march, Perry now has his own “personal impact” page on the site where he can track his progress. This involves inviting all your friends and family to join up. Currently his impact is 0. I expect it will stay that way.

PS. Now that Perry has an email account I’m going to pay another visit to Democratic Underground … I’ve been banned under every email address of my own.